I feel like everybody knows about the 5 love languages today, to some extent.

There must be something to it that attracted us to the concept. Maybe the prospect of having an easy romantic life, or at least, having a partner that will care and show affection.

Yet, here we are in 2024, and the dating world has never felt more confusing. How is that?

We know what the 5 love languages are:

Words of Affirmation: Expressing love and appreciation through verbal acknowledgment.

Quality Time: Giving undivided attention and sharing moments together.

Receiving Gifts: Using thoughtful presents as symbols of affection.

Acts of Service: Performing kind gestures and helping out as expressions of love.

Physical Touch: Using touch as a fundamental expression of love and connection.

We each have all 5 of them, but to varying degrees. It’s true that you’re going to know a little bit more about yourself and what you enjoy with this method.

Love languages are okay, but not sufficient

Looking back on them now, they feel kind of superficial. Especially when you’re trying to choose who you are going to spend your life with.

The 5 love languages are probably a good way to maintain passion and communication in a relationship. 

Here is where I think the concept has its limits though:

Knowing your partner’s love language doesn’t guarantee you ending up with the right person. How many times have we had attentive partners that regularly showed signs of affection, only to find that you disagree on your deepest values?

I think we’re not searching for love using the right tools.

Beyond love languages: how to actually find true love?

I think that through all of our partners, we search for an ideal, someone that checks all of the boxes. By that, I mean we’re always in search of the right person for ourselves.

The right person for me made me realize that love wasn’t just about acts of love and shared chemistry.

Choosing a life partner is actually more about sharing a similar life vision, having life goals that complement each other, etc…

The right person will uplift you and make you grow. You just have to know what to look for.

The right person does not equal no challenges though

Here’s where I feel the dating world and society don’t exactly educate us on what to look for in a partner: the right person will not be the one you have no fights with.

Believe me, I had toxic relationships where there were 0 fights. Fighting isn’t the cause of breakups. The culprit is not knowing how to emotionally regulate.

The right person also made me realize that I didn’t actually know how to maintain my romantic relationships in the past. Many people will tell you that being in a relationship with a good person will trigger you and it’s true.

It will put you face-to-face with your unhealthy forms of attachment, your past traumas, the unloved parts of yourself.

But if you know how to self-regulate that, you will learn that the right relationship will push you to grow. It will be more peaceful every day as you work on yourself.

If you want to learn how to find that true love and how to maintain it, you can schedule an introductory session with one of our Certified Coaches.

Written by Yoreen Marcin